Archive | June, 2015

Flashing the Dr.McSteamy

4 Jun

With My Arms Strapped Down How long can one wait out here anyways? Be calm my mind is saying over my worry. “We’re ready for you now Katherine. Are you ready?” { Do I look like I’m not ready? I’m sitting here naked with my bum exposed in a green (not my shade of green I might add) hospital gown and I haven’t eaten for 24 hours and you made me clean out my insides from both sides yesterday. I’m READY for crying out loud. }
“Yes, I’m good to go. Let’s do this.”

I was wheeled in. Always makes me think of MASH. Were you old enough to watch MASH? Are Hawkeye and BJ Hunnicut in there and going to do my surgery? Hot Lips? I think maybe they gave me to much of the calmer. They know I have a sensitive tummy and system in there don’t they? I’m not a pill popper. I prefer to solve the issue at the heart. Never been into meds. Besides, neither has my body. Anytime I may have to for a surgery or wisdom teeth etc., I’ve always had to request the smallest dose possible. Usually asking a second time, when the doctors say, “This is the usual dose.” I’m not “usual. Please just give the smallest dose and 1/2 it again. Trust me.” When I had my Knee surgery at 18 yrs old, the nurses and docs inadvertently OD’ed me to some degree (the I.V. bag hadn’t been put on since my recovery, so I had straight post surgery narcotics being pumped through me and the anesthetics. Chalk on a 125 pound frame and 24 hrs of fasting. Well. Let’s just say, “Take her off all meds” was probably the right thing to do. For the four days after the surgery where my knee was opened up and a piece of my hamstring used to attach my ACL – not so much. I digress. The room was cold. That’s an understatement. It was Ottawa in January, by the Toronto waterfront, in a field in Winnipeg cold. ‘Wasn’t exactly a warm environment to go under the knife. I’ve never seen so much steel in my life. Steel walls, counter, trays, operating table, tools….operating table! I have to get off of this gurney and onto that cold, steel narrow bed. Shit! Why didn’t they put me out before seeing this. The bed was narrower then a twin bed. They must have different sizes for different size people. I’m gonna role of that thing and hit the floor! I can’t remember now how I was transferred. I think I popped of the gurney, carefully clutching the back of my haute couture hospital gown so as to not expose my bum. As cute as it is. And as silly as that sounds since they are about to get all up in my business up close and person with magnifying glass! Perspective here Kate. Let’s get perspective.

I was lying flat on the piece of steel they operate on. And then it happened. What’s this? Amongst all this cold, steel, baron room, through the glow of the operating lights spotlighting him walks in…wait for it…The real life Dr.McSteamy. Right at that moment I heard a smack! One of the doctors had tacked my two notes of visualization wishes up on the steel wall beside the hospital bed. My eyes deterred for a moment before coming back to – enter – Dr.McSteamy in his scrubs. I’m grinning. I know I’m grinning. It’s the unstoppable grin that you can quite seem to get off your face when you see something or someone you really like. I must look like a fool right now. The others catch my grin and grin at each other with their eyes. I can’t see their mouths underneath the face masks, but their eyes are squinting. Then the large nurse bring the young resident nurse around to the right side of the bed.

“Katherine, do you mind if I show Tasia the ropes here? She is a student and learning. Don’t worry I’ll be doing all the important things and correcting anything.”

“Sure! Why not.”

You’re distracting me from the Dr.McSteamy Dreamy.

I think this calm pill says yes to everything. Next thing I know the nurses swing out these two steel arms from underneath the table and have grabbed my left arm and strapped it down with a large yellow seat belt like velcro strap. I had no idea they were going to do this. Seriously they should tell you these things ahead of time. Then they walk around me to strap down my right side. At the same time I’ve got McSteamy asking talking to me. “So, Katherine, I understand you are sensitive to medications. You took the time to let our intake Anaesthetist know this and we have spoken in advance to make sure we adjust the anesthetic to best suit you okay?” McSteamy was adjusting the pillow under my head.

“I have a really bad neck. Is it possible to have something under my neck?”
I’m thinking about you McSteamy.

McSteamy was now directly behind me. He was standing, but leaned over the back of my head and fluffing my pillow to wedge it under my neck. His head was basically on top of my head. Now at the exact same time, I’ve got the two surgeons at my feet with other doctors counting tools.

“Scalpel”

“Check.” (They really do say that like on Grey’s Anatomy and Mash from years gone by!)

They start saying names of tools I’ve never heard of and rhyming out measurements of sizing of tools. Of which I didn’t care to know the diameter, length or any dimension of them. On my right the two nurses are engaged in a lesson of strapping down my right arm. I’m trying to keep cool about McSteamy above my head while my body is tented, freezing in this cold refrigerator. The calmer medication I gather is in full effect and my reflexes are little slow on the uptake. All of a sudden, all my efforts to cove my bum earlier, and keep the gown draped in just the right places mean nothing. My left breast is completely exposed. Completely. The gown is pulled down under my breast. Wait a second. How did that happen? My arms are strapped down. And McCready head is bent down beside me and he leans into one side,

“Is this ok Katherine?”

Gad, is it hot in here now. I’m trying to turn my grin into a smirk. I’m in a time warp. Is the pillow fluff ok? Or the fact that my left breast is now completely exposed in this freezing cold room and I can’t grab my gown to pull it up or cover my nipple? Maybe he hasn’t seen it yet. He’s too close to my face. I’m trying to get the large nurse and the student nurses attention by glaring at them. It’s not working.

“Ahem, Ahem, AHEM!” Still nothing. “Nurse!”

The large nurse looks over.

“Yes, Katherine? ‘Everything ok?”

How is that no body is noticing my left breast exposure, but I?” I don’t want to draw attention to my left boob as McDreamy hasn’t noticed it yet, so I stare the nurse square in the eyes take my eyeballs and move them up and over and point them at my exposed breast. I end my eye notation with a “Can you help a fellow woman out?” look seeing as you have both my arms strapped down with velcro straps and I can’t lift a finger look! He hasn’t noticed it yet right? He would have tried to fix my gown for me right? Who am I kidding, don’t men have a perpetual built in radar for exposed breasts? Well breasts in general I suppose. Exposed breast up a notch. And, I’m sure they even have as special detector that alerts them to high probability moments of chances of an exposed breast. Was the 10 year old inside McDreamy jumping up and down inside while his MD hat remained composed?

“YES! I seem ’em ~ Boobies!”

The large nurse looked at me to acknowledge she’d seen the exposure.

“Oh Dear!”

No. Shit – Don’t. draw. more. attention.in.breast’s.direction.please. Ahh crap. All of my measures are a lost cause. He had an up close and person direct head shot of my left boob from above. Impossible to miss the gown unveiling. The exposure. The left breast flash. The nurse gingerly grabbed the top of my gown with the lace hanging loose and pulled it up over my now introduced to the entire operating room full of 10 doctors and nurses…with spotlights. In the frigid temperature.

“Don’t worry. He didn’t see a thing.”

Cha – rigtht! I’m call’n Bullshit. I rolled my eyes in a it’s a too late now gesture and took a deep breath. McDreamy came around to my right side where my just wrapped up left breast was. This happened to be the same hand that he would be administering the anesthetic. His gorgeous blue eyes smiled at me. If he did see anything, he didn’t let me know. This was sweet of McDreamy. The anaesthetic must have surged my veins now because this was my last memory before talking to my mom. Did I mention she’s deceased? Good night McDreamy. See you on the other side. Just not my left breast side. Signed, The Exposed

Watermelon

Watermelon

Locale: Feathers, Red velvet tufted banquette.
Mood: Feel’n weird. Spaceless.Timeless.Sleepless.Stuck. Rather be snuggling.
On DeckThe Future Islands: The Chase (Click to listen) As seen on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. They’re awesome! Take a listen. Indulge your senses. This is late night summer heat kitchen party music.

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