And as I was standing there in my workout gear and sporty windbreaker jacket in my fit body and him knowing my daily physical activity, he looked at me and said, “…Have you thought about taking up swimming?”
I reluctantly decided to defer my acceptance into the program I had wanted my whole life for another year. Stating medical health reasons. How could I draw? How could I design with pain rattling my 24 year old hands? Just a year. I could beat this pain in a year. I took on a full time position at the store and waiting the year.
I became very active socially with my colleagues. All working at a high end sports retailer, we walked the talk. Some more then others. I continued my workout return daily and ran to my job every morning and some evenings. I got up early and took care of my grandmother every morning before work for 2 hours. Waking her up, changing her, bathing her, changing her bed linens and keeping her company – making her earl grey tea, hot toast with butter (i has to be hot) and watching Dallas. ‘Trying to keep her min busy in her pint size old age room. It wasn’t fun – it wasn’t too bad either – but, I felt sad for her.
I rock climbed with my new boyfriend, mountain biked at the back of the pack in the Gatineaus and learned to ski and snowboard weekly. I was a size 2. And yet, every single day, I had chronic pain piercing through my body. It never left. It only got worse. I began to see specialists. The pain was so bad a this point, that frustration turned into anger and anger into rage. I began to pitch in an effort to get the pain out. Worse thing I ever pitched was a glass lamp. It broke. I had already gone through being sad and depressed because of this chronic pain, leaving my university degree a year early and losing my closest friend.
I waited 3 months to see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist. I showed up with my father, curious for an answer so I could just fix it. My mind is such that, I need to know what’s going on, when I know the facts, I will find a solution and fix it. I met with the doctor for minutes, only minutes.
He performed a few tests and looked at me and said, “You don’t have rheumatoid arthritis. At 24 it is rare I have to say anyways.” I was saddened. I wanted an answer. Someone to tell me an answer so I could fix it. I looked at hm bewildered. “ Well, I guess that’s good doc. But, please you know my history. What is going on? Why am I in chronic pain every day all day through most of my body?”
And as I was standing there in my workout gear and sport windbreaker jacket in my fit body and him knowing my daily active activity, he looked at me and said, “Have you thought about taking up swimming?”
Holy shit! I wanted to jump over the desk and plow him one. Your kidding me right. I looked down at my outfit. Do you see what I am wearing? Do I look like an unfit person? “I exercise every day doc.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t have any answers for you.”
I left – frustrated. Unsure of my future, confused and bloody scared.
I continued to work. I continued to exercised. And the pain continued.
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© 2012 by Kate Flood. All rights reserved